You might be codependent if…
A lot of people are already talking about addiction, what it looks like, and who suffers from it. However, less attention is paid to those who often end up around addiction. Around an addict is usually a group of people who struggle with codependency, and this pairing usually leaves both people worse for wear.
Codependency can be challenging to define, and sometimes even harder to recognize in yourself. Still, there are some common characteristics and behaviors that can tell you if you may be codependent. Some of the signs of codependency include: Depending on someone else's approval for your sense of worth or identity, not finding satisfaction in your life without the presence of that person, and staying with someone even though you recognize that they have unhealthy or abusive behaviors. In essence, codependent behaviors are those where you give too much of yourself to a specific person, or you depend on them to an unhealthy degree.
What does codependence look like?
It can be challenging for people to acknowledge that they have codependent tendencies because many of those behaviors are present in smaller doses in healthy relationships. For example, if your partner loses their job, it could be perfectly healthy for you to help them stay afloat while they find employment. However, if someone were to lose their job and not truly seek out another one because their partner is keeping them going, at the expense of that person's mental, spiritual, and physical well-being, that could be considered a codependent relationship. One reason why codependence can be so challenging to identify or manage is that it can just seem like someone is very kind or generous to another person. However, in some cases, what appears helpful or generous to another person may actually be harmful. For example, if your mother uses drugs and alcohol in excess, and her life is spiraling because of it, a codependent person may invite their mother to live with them, or offer her money to get back on her feet when what would benefit her is a treatment for the substance abuse. Some of the behaviors of a codependent person in a relationship are:
Control - This could manifest itself in a myriad of ways. Whether it is taking control of how your schedules are run, how the chores are done, money, etc., taking on too much control in a relationship can be a way for someone to try to keep the environment stable so that the other person doesn't leave or get angry.
Exaggerated responsibility - This shows itself when a partner takes on too much of the work in the relationship. Obviously, things can't always be 50/50, and some people will have strengths in certain areas where their partners may not thrive. Hence, they become responsible for a particular task. What I am referring to is areas where both people in the relationship are capable of taking ownership of specific tasks, and one person ends up doing far more than their fair share. This could be damaging because not only can it lead to burnout for the person who is taking on too much, but it also takes away opportunities for the relationship to be a partnership by making too many things one person's responsibility.
Worth dependency - This is when people base their sense of self-worth on the opinions or actions of another person. It could be something small, like not feeling like you are attractive unless your partner tells you you are; or something larger like not feeling that you are deserving of love unless that specific person loves you. Either way, the issue is that no person, besides yourself, should have the power to dictate your worth as a person. You are worthy of love, joy, and peace, no matter who likes you or sees your value. If you allow someone else to determine your worth, you will likely become the version of yourself you think they want, instead of being who you are.
Rescue orientation - This is when a person seeks out people that they think they can help, or who need them. If you seek out relationships this way, it can lead to an imbalance because the dynamic becomes about what one person can do to "save" the other. While it is crucial that we maintain empathy and do what we can to help others, we can't forget that at the end of the day, each person has agency, and we cannot save someone who does not want to save themselves. If you are always trying to rescue someone, not only could it stop you from caring for yourself appropriately, but it could also make it easier for that person to continue doing whatever was damaging to themselves in the first place. This is why codependents are often labeled as "enablers."
Change orientation - You may be change-oriented if when you are in a relationship, you are predominantly focused on areas for improvement in yourself or the other person. For example, if you really care for someone, but you try to control what they wear, say, do, etc. because you think that the way they do it for themselves is not good enough, you could be too focused on changing the other person. While people can change and grow as time goes on, and they often do, it is imperative to remember that we should not be trying to change other people to make them what we think they ought to be. If someone comes as they are into a relationship and there are things about them that you feel need to change, it may be that you need to examine why you have those feelings, and if this person is truly the right person for you. Maintaining a relationship where you are not content unless the person changes could be a sign of codependence.
Why am I codependent?
There are many reasons why someone might be codependent in their relationships. Research has shown that neglect or emotional abuse, especially during childhood, can make someone codependent in future relationships. This is partly due to the fact that in a neglectful environment, a child might learn that the only way to be heard or seen by a parent was to care more about their parents' needs than express their own. It could also stem from growing up in a violent or invasive environment where the only way to avoid the abuse was to cater to the needs of the abusive person. Another reason why someone could be codependent in relationships is that they grew up in an environment with codependent tendencies. Children learn a lot about relationships and how to behave from watching the people around them interact with one another. Having a codependent parent could make the child think that that is just what relationships are supposed to be.
What can I do about it?
First, try to take stock of the behaviors that you display in your relationships that may be codependent. Once you know what you do that is codependent, you can begin to be mindful about setting and respecting boundaries in areas where you have codependent tendencies. You can start by setting small and clear boundaries and being very intentional about following them. For example, if you always pay when you go out somewhere with someone, ask if they are willing to split the bill the next time you go out. By setting small boundaries and maintaining them, you can begin to change the relationship's dynamic to be less codependent. You could also try having a conversation with the people in your life about areas where you feel you may be giving too much of yourself, or are too dependent on others. This could help those people to be more mindful of their behavior and how they relate to you.
If, after reading this piece, you think you or a loved one may have issues with substance use, please feel free to attend a meeting on our website or join us on our forum. Our Codependency and Substance Use Disorder assessments are available resources for you. These resources are free and can be anonymous if you wish. Also, if you are in any danger from others or yourself, we urge you to call 911. We are here to support you, no matter your story.
Copyright, June 2020
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