Shame
I'm not sure when I first learned what shame was, but I remember a time when I didn't feel it. As a child, I would climb trees, sing, and ride my bike around town. I wasn't worried about what I was wearing, and I wasn't thinking about what others might say about me, I was just being my authentic self. At some point, though, I realized that people were judging other people on things like how they talked, how much money their family had, or how good looking they were. When I realized this, I thought it was a really stupid way to think about people (and I still do), but I also had an uncomfortable thought for the first time: Are they thinking these bad things about me? The hardest part for me about having that thought was that it made me want to do what people would approve of, which leaves room for shame to grow if you don't live up to their expectations.
Whether it is something you have done in public or in private, we have all experienced shame at some point. Shame is something that we feel when we don't think we live up to some expectation, whether it is from ourselves, our friends, or our communities. Sometimes shame can be useful because it can tell you that you are uncomfortable with something that you did or were going to do. It can help us make decisions in the future that are more in-line with who we truly are and who we want to be. The problem arises when instead of improving ourselves, we listen to shame and use it to feel bad about who we are. Shame can make you feel like you are unworthy or broken, and if left unchallenged, can lead to self-destructive behavior. This is why I think it is important to remember that shame is natural and can be a good thing but in small, and apparent doses.
If shame is something that you are often experiencing or leads you to do self-destructive things, I hope you can find something useful in these few tips. First, pay attention to how your body feels when you feel shame. Once you can recognize how your body experiences shame, it can help you to identify when you are feeling ashamed and might not have otherwise realized it. For example, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or maybe a sudden burst of anxious thoughts can help signal to you that something made you feel ashamed. It can also help you to remember that the physical sensations of shame, while uncomfortable, will always pass. Second, try to be gentle with yourself when you feel ashamed instead of judgemental. This can help by not perpetuating the sense of shame by using it to make yourself feel worse. If you can extend some kindness to yourself and remember that shame is something everyone feels at some point, and it doesn't change your value as a person, it can help the feeling pass. Also, try to identify your triggers and see if you can change the narrative. For example, if you often feel ashamed about your body, ask yourself what situations or thoughts usually lead you to feeling ashamed about your body. Learning what these triggers are for you can help you reframe the situation so that it doesn't hurt you, or to help you avoid them altogether. Lastly, developing a mantra that you tell yourself when you are feeling shame can help you to change the narrative to something positive. For example, you could say something like: "Everyone feels this way sometimes.", "This is uncomfortable, but it is temporary.", "I have survived every time I have felt this way before."
I hope that if you are struggling with shame, you realize that you are not alone and that you can feel better soon. You are seen. You are important. And there is hope.
If, after reading this piece, you think you or a loved one may have issues with substance use, please feel free to attend a meeting on our website or join us on our forum. Our Codependency and Substance Use Disorder assessments are available resources for you. These resources are free and can be anonymous if you wish. Also, if you are in any danger from others or yourself, we urge you to call 911. We are here to support you, no matter your story.
Copyright, June 2020
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